Originally posted by Kiongakyu here. Reposted with permission.
The first thing I will say is that I am about to broach some seriously touchy issues including physical abuse, mental abuse and sexual abuse as well as some of the mental illnesses that are caused by these situations. If you are triggered or offended by these subjects, then please, be aware that you may wish to move on to another article.
The second thing I will say is that the following are a few of my experiences, and may not be the right thing for anyone else. Actually, they are likely not the answer for anyone else come to think of it, but I am willing to share anyway. If it helps one person, then I feel my risk is easily worthwhile.
I no longer feel that I have any major unresolved issues (the moderate and minor ones I will probably still be finding until the day I die), but I certainly did at one point in time. I am an incest survivor. That three and a half year experience left me lacking a number of things, including the ability to trust other people. I was also physically, mentally and sexually abused by no less than three other people over my lifetime, one for a year, one for multiple years, one for decades (and still counting unfortunately); these do not include my incestuous rapist. Another issue that I have (and will continue to have since this one will never go away) is that I am bipolar. That particular issue opens up a literal Pandora’s Box of difficulties. Both of these issues have been assisted in their resolution and maintenance by the Leather way of life, and yes, one was assisted with scening.
The incest-created issue of a lack of ability to trust was greatly assisted for me by scening. Bit by bit, step by step, my Owner helped me learn how to trust. Over time, I learned that he would indeed stop if I called a safeword. I learned over the years that he would not take me further in scene than I had agreed to go, and that if he said he would do something, then he meant it. He also used a technique on me called ‘Shadowing.”
Shadowing is a combination of ageplay, regression therapy, self evaluation and a large bit of hell. The goal of Shadowing is to allow an abuse victim or survivour to reclaim their mind, memory by memory, with the understanding that each memory they succeed in reclaiming is one less that their abuser “owns.” Was this wrong? Perhaps, but he, with scening and Shadowing, accomplished what no therapist (and I went though those like water) was able to do. He helped me learn how to trust others. I’m very grateful for that gift.
My bipolar was also assisted with Leather. Please, stop and think about this for a moment if you would. Bipolar is a roller coaster of emotions that are damn near impossible to control, if only for the fact that the emotions are so overwhelming. The best description of bipolar I have heard is: “Think about every emotion you have ever felt. Now, feel them all at full force all together within the next ten seconds.” That is far more accurate than I care to think about overmuch.
PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a condition that most abuse victims suffer, is helped in the same fashion that I am about to describe. I personally had more argument with my bipolar than I did with my PTSD, so that is where I will place my focus. This is not, however, an exclusive example.
Leather is about control. Either someone controlling you or (more importantly in my case at the time) about you controlling yourself. My bipolar outbursts displeased my Owner (I couldn’t blame him – they displeased me too). This gave me the desire to try to control my outbursts. The desire to fight the effects of the bipolar is usually lost because the disorder saps your will to fight, or to do anything else for that matter. In wanting to please my Owner, I was given the strength of will that I would not have had otherwise to even consider winning this battle. This also helps a great deal with several other abuse-created issues such as low to moderate level anxiety and, on occasion, full blown panic attacks.
Another thing that Leather gave me as an assistance in maintaining control over my bipolar was the concept of a safeword. Something that provided an instant, clear and concise way of communicating a message when otherwise the message would be lost or misunderstood was too valuable to not be put to use on a regular and frequent basis. Using my safeword isn’t a conscious effort anymore. The back of my brain knows well and good when my safeword should be uttered, and it does so without bothering to ask the front brain. I have learned to make sure that anyone whom I live with now, including my children when they still lived at home, is trained in the usage of safewords so they will understand what the strange and obscure sound I am saying actually means. My safeword is in Japanese, and it’s pre-arranged message is, “I am in trouble and I am mentally or physically unable to explain how. Please help me or at least give me the space to try to help myself.”
Most Leatherfolk and BDSM practitioners use their safewords for scening only. Like any other bipolar or PTSD sufferer, my life from minute to minute and day to day can be as dangerous as any scene. Subsequently my safeword is for any moment in time. It is for when I am becoming overwhelmed by sounds, social settings, life in general or anything else. To this day, the easiest way to irritate my bipolar is for me to become overwhelmed, and so when such happens, I safeword. At that point, either I find a quiet place to calm down, or someone around me finds me a quiet place to be for a while. My safeword has become a verbal indicator for the people around me to know that I am having a serious problem, regardless if it shows on the surface. That’s important because sometimes what is going on inside of an abuse survivor does not show one single bit from the outside – even if the person on the outside has the skills to read a person.
There have been innumerable other factors, therapies and people involved in my healing. Leather is not the end all, be all of assistance. Far from it. In fact, the biggest assistance in overcoming both of these issues for me has been the unstinting emotional support of my Family and Friends, most of them vanilla, and a rock solid treatment team fully willing to work in tandem with me with behavioral and chemical therapies. If I’ve learned one thing, it’s that an abuse victim needs to, absolutely must learn how to trust other people again. Why? Because the road to becoming a survivor is far to long and hard to successfully travel alone.
I thank you for your time in reading, and I hope that this has proven to be helpful and pleasing. As always, if you have any questions or comments, please feel free to e-mail me.
Offered in Pride and Service,
Ki