Originally by SirDreamWeavings on FetLife. Edited and amended by our community.
Red Flags are things to watch out for in a prospective Dominant partner. These are potential signs of an abuser. Remember that anyone can make a mistake or be thoughtless; consider the context.
- Tries to separate you from your friends, family or BDSM community.
- Avoids talking about personal details. Gets mad when you ask, answers questions with questions, speaks in vague generalities, changes the subject.
- Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to.
- Gets angry when you ask for references or ask around about them.
- Is inconsistent with details about themselves.
- Does not give you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time (before physically meeting).
- Only communicates with you at strange hours and gets mad if you try to contact them at other times.
- Criticizes the BDSM community and refuses to participate, especially if they met you through that community.
- Breaks promises (without good reason; or frequently, even with “good” reason).
- Repeatedly gives excuses for not meeting.
- Refuses to admit wrongdoing; would rather abandon a friendship than make up for a mistake.
- Does not take personal responsibility; always puts blame on others for things going wrong.
- Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members.
- Uses persuasion, coercion, or scorn to pressure you into doing things you do not want to do.
- Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.
- Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.
- Falls in love with you way too fast and swears undying love before even meeting you.
- Hides behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned.
- Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good enough. Accuses you of not being a “true sub”.
- Loses control of their emotions in arguments and regresses to yelling, name-calling and blame.
- Puts you down in front of other people.
- Turns instantly on their friends, going from best friend to arch enemy at the drop of a hat.
- Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.
- Goes to great lengths to get revenge on people.
- Lies or withholds information.
- Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like.
- Impatient with safety measures such as safe calls or meeting in public places.
- Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions. Belittles your intellect.
- Is impatient or unsympathetic when you express needs or desires.
- Blames you for your hurt feelings.
- Abuses alcohol or other drugs; or wants to “scene” when under the influence.
- Is constantly asking for money from you or others. Requires you to pay his expenses in order for him to visit you.
- Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.
- Deliberately says or does things that result in getting themselves or others physically or emotionally hurt.
- Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others.
- Only interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role-playing.
- Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.
- Never shows you their human side. Is emotionless. Hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.
- Has multiple online identities for interacting with the same communities.
- Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.
- Is rude to public servants such as waitresses, cashiers and cab drivers, or abuses a position of authority by treating subordinates badly.
- Rarely says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone.
- Punishes you when angry. Punishment should be calm and reasoned.
- Physically hurts you non-consensually.
- Deals with confrontation by walking out.
- Is reluctant to discuss a confrontation afterwards.
- After an argument or confrontation, apologizes profusely with flowers, gifts, etc.
- Cheats on you; flirts with others in your presence.
- Is jealous and possessive, confronting others who show an interest in you or accusing you if they believe you are paying attention to someone else.
- Promises “I’ll never do that again”… and later does it again.
- Makes sweeping statements like: “A real sub doesn’t have limits”, or “A true Dom never apologizes.”
- Does not respond as agreed to the use of a safeword. This is abuse.
- Causes you to use a safeword often. A safeword should only be for “emergencies”
[Specific to social sites in general, and FetLife in particular]:
- Has a recently established account (not necessarily negative)
- Has a very basic profile, with few pics, writings, groups, fetishes, etc; but especially few “friends” (not necessarily negative)
- Check activity. Has the person recently added fetishes or groups similar to yours?
- They could be trying to earn your interest and trust.
- Also in activity, see whether they have had significant interaction via writing discussions and responses, etc.; and if so, whether you are comfortable with them.
- Spend time on the friends list. Keep in mind that many people will “friend” at the drop of a hat. A person can send out 50 requests and get 10 or 20 acceptances with little effort. Contact a few of the friends whose profiles you like and ask for their opinion.
- Trust but Verify. An honest Dominant will offer information, probably before you ask.
- Live by what you think, not by what you’ve been told.
- Have control of yourself. If you don’t have that, you should not give up control to another.
- The Dom/Master should respect you. If he does not, it won’t last long.
- Both must be honest. Trust cannot be built without it.
Here is a link to this post if you wanna go read comments made in response to it and maybe get more info.